we don’t get to be here long

Blinked and it’s another year gone by. Today’s my 31st birthday and I can’t believe summer’s here, I’m 23 weeks pregnant, and that things shook out the way they did in November. This had already been a year of ups and downs, but now more than ever we’ve got something to fight for.

I’ve been thinking about what the legacy I want to leave (and start I suppose) for this baby girl (working title: baby Charlie) and I’m starting to make lists and lists in my head, because that’s what I do.

Be patient. Put the phone down. Balance the ugliness of the world with the beauty. But fight for people because the ugliness is still there. Sing loudly. Give lots of snuggles and hugs. Laugh every day. Read more. Create more. Worry less.

When I found out baby Charlie is a girl, I was so torn in my emotions. First of all, I’ve always been nervous about having a girl for the ridiculous reasons (I can French braid but that’s where the limits of my primping/preening go, but I did recently learn how to use a curling iron!) and for some real ones (being a woman is fucking hard, yo.)

But I am also beyond excited for her to get her so I can share all the awesome things about being a woman. And being a human. This birthday has me thinking a lot about my own mom, because as you grow a human you really realize this is more of a day for them, than you. I mean, for God’s sake, it’s the most anticipated day for weeks and months and then finally you birth a goddamned HUMAN BEING. What an act of love. I don’t even really know what it means yet and already I know it’s something big.

I am excited to have baby Charlie join this fierce tribe of Palluzzi/Hayford women. To have two strong grandmothers and an amazing aunt that will be SUCH A GOOD ROLE MODEL for this little one. Plus she’s already got a girl cousin to look after her, and of course a boy cousin to watch everyone’s back and stand up for feminism, too.

So as I celebrate this last birthday before I have a new milestone birthday to celebrate, I am scared, but elated, nervous, but excited, about all that’s to come. And I know I have to keep fighting for equality and justice for baby Charlie and for myself, for the women who have come before me, and the one inside me.

a fraction of your smile/or a fragment of your mind

Well, in case you weren’t in the loop, folks I am pregnant. Already it’s been quite the journey and I can’t believe it’s almost half over,┬ábecause it feels like it just began. The first quarter of this year flew by because I was basically a zombie from early February through early April. In the past two weeks or so I’ve really started to feeling ALMOST 100 percent back to myself again.

Pregnancy is a bitch in the beginning, chickadees. I’m surprised by how I didn’t really know this but also by how many people online/in real life are like, “Oh yeah it kicks you in the crotch.” It’s shocking to be so tired all the time and so grossed out by food AND nauseated – turns out morning sickness has nothing to do with the morning. (On the plus side, I have finally learned how to spell nauseated on the first try.)

I definitely wasn’t ready for the way I felt. It was like having mono and the flu. I would come home from work exhausted and eat chicken tenders and french fries and crawl into bed at 8 pm. Weekends were for sleeping in and taking afternoon naps. I had to cancel trips, hangouts, exercise plans, book clubs…the list goes on. As I entered my second trimester I realized how lucky I was that the weddings I have are all in this time period. Now coming home from work and cooking seems tiring, but five weeks ago it was impossible.

It’s shocking to know this is normal, common, and expected. It’s shocking to know that you are not supposed to tell anyone you’re pregnant in the first trimester when you feel so, so shitty. When you are dragging your feet at work and peeing every 20 minutes and can barely remember how to answer emails. Your friends start to wonder what’s up (hopefully wondering if you’re pregnant and not if you hate them) and you can’t be excited or nervous about your future because all you can see is your bed at the end of the day.

This is all to say of course I am happy I am pregnant, but damnnnnnnn folks. Building human life is difficult! I wanted nothing to do with all foods. Cucumbers, chicken, fries, and cold fruit smoothies were my solace. I was quiet (Jeff probably appreciated that!) and the only exercise I got was my slow, slow walk with Luna in the mornings.

The good news is I’m in Week 17 – I’m on the other side of the first trimester and my appetite is back and I can exercise again. I stay up until 10:30! I go out on weekends! I cook! I am now finally excited about what’s to come. I’m starting to plan again. I have weddings to look forward to (baby’s already been to one, we start ’em early around here!) and am looking pregnant which boosts morale (except when I cannot get my clothes on. Oh well.)

Work knows, friends know, the Internet knows. I can talk about it. And, if you’ve been pregnant, I want to hear about it! How was your first trimester? Did it blow? Were you shocked? Did you have food aversions? Did you have to take a break before getting dressed in the morning? Did you cry when your husband/wife/partner offered you a grilled cheese because why on earth would someone eat such a horrible thing?

I have a lot of feelings about feminism as I slide into this pregnancy, and will probably share them here, but for now let me just say that if you have been pregnant you are a fucking warrior and deserve ice cream and snuggles and a raise.

Sorry/not sorry if this becomes a place I talk about pregnancy/babies for a bit.

xo

Ain’t No Gift Like the Present Tense

 

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In case you didn’t know, because I am vastly behind on my writing, we got a puppy you guys! Her name is Luna, and we’re completely smitten with her little face. She and the kittens are getting along swimmingly so far, and we can’t wait until they’re all a year and older so that we can breathe a sigh of relief for keeping them happy and healthy and out of trouble.

Puppies are a bunch of hard work, as are the kitties, but I feel like it’s all worth it when she snuggles up at night and goes crazy when we get home just because she’s happy to see us. It’s like all the emotions you normally feel when you see someone you really love expressed physically – and that’s something really special.

Luna | Providential LifeJeff is currently on an around the world trip for work, and having these three little monsters relying on me is pretty insane, I won’t lie. Luckily, we have INCREDIBLE friends who are helping out with Luna Bella – people watching her when I have previously-planned events, checking in on her at lunch when I can’t because I work too far away, and just generally being gung-ho about stopping by to see her little mug.

 

Luna | Providential Life

So here we are – a year into having our house with three little ones and full hearts. It’s like where we were meant to be and yet something I never expected, all at the same time.
Luna | Providential Life

Welcome home, little Luna. We’re glad you’re here.

101 Dalmatians & 20/20 Vision

1910034_509145321661_3165_nWhen I was 9, my BFF Lauren turned 10 and to celebrate we went to see 101 Dalmatians in theaters. I forgot to bring my glasses. We had to sit in the front. She doesn’t remember this, but I always did. She forgave me, apparently, and we stayed friends (and eventually she needed glasses, too.)

I’ve worn glasses since I was 7 or 8, and contacts since I was 12. Over the years, I have had various times when wearing glasses has been a nuisance or inconvenience:

The time I lost a contact in the ocean and had to walk back to my beach house half-blind.

The times I wanted to stay for a sleepover but couldn’t because I didn’t have contacts on me.

The time I lived in China for 2 months but the smog was so bad I had to wear glasses for most of the trip.

The several times I had to schelp to the store after arriving somewhere on a trip to get contact solution so I didn’t have to buy a hundred travel sized ones.

The time I put my contacts in two bowls because I couldn’t find a contact case and one of the bowls hadn’t been cleaned thoroughly enough and somehow I got garlic in my eye the next morning.

You get the idea. Not the worst thing, but glasses and contacts haven’t been the best part of traveling, camping, sports-playing, etc., over the past 20-something years of my life.

20140929_131100_DSC_183810399494_549504536471_162879_n 24325_536225158756_395265_nWearing contacts and glasses have always been part of who I am. But I am happy to say on Friday I am getting corrective lens┬ásurgery so I will no longer need these fashion accessories (although maybe I’ll get some clear lenses for old time’s sake.)

There are a handful of things I am SO EXCITED about: being able to see in the middle of the night; waking up on a plane and not feeling a jolt of panic at the blurry surroundings; going camping in the backcountry without needing to bring in lots of contacts, soap, etc., to guarantee my hands are clean enough to put contacts in…the list goes on.

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This is something I’ve been wanting to do for years, and I can’t believe it’s finally going to happen. I’ve been wearing my glasses all week in preparation of the surgery, but by this time next week I’ll not need anything anymore. I will have just a little more freedom than I have now. And I am so, so thankful for that. Even though I am nervous (lasers near my eyes, yikes) I know this is going to be the beginning of a life-changing experience for me that will change the way I live my life. I can’t wait. I’ll never make anyone sit in the front row of a theater again.

Here we go!

5gts: in your ocean, ankle deep

It’s Friday before July 4th. Rebecca is here from London! So here are some good things floating around my lovely life:

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  1. We got kittens! Two cuties named Cosmo and Izzy. Izzy (above, left) is our little girl, and Cosmo (above, right) is our shy guy. They are very fun and we’re having a blast watching people (read: Becca and Ana’s) reactions to these fur balls.
  2. As I mentioned above, Becca is here and she’s staying with us – lucky people we are! I’ve missed her so I am glad to have her settling in for a long stay and can’t wait to celebrate the Fourth with her.
  3. My first podcast with Traci is up! It’s called “That’s Our Jam” and we talk about everything from holidays to hot dogs to history. It has been a super fun project to work on and I’m glad to finally share it with you guys.
  4. Three Day Weekend! Patio furniture is coming this weekend to lounge on for the holiday. And we have a new grill. How lucky are we? I can’t wait for hot dogs & watermelon salad & blended margs.
  5. My garden is coming along nicely, and we might have spaghetti squash by the end of the season if we’re good to the plants. What a great summer this already has been.

Happy July, kids!