we don’t get to be here long

Blinked and it’s another year gone by. Today’s my 31st birthday and I can’t believe summer’s here, I’m 23 weeks pregnant, and that things shook out the way they did in November. This had already been a year of ups and downs, but now more than ever we’ve got something to fight for.

I’ve been thinking about what the legacy I want to leave (and start I suppose) for this baby girl (working title: baby Charlie) and I’m starting to make lists and lists in my head, because that’s what I do.

Be patient. Put the phone down. Balance the ugliness of the world with the beauty. But fight for people because the ugliness is still there. Sing loudly. Give lots of snuggles and hugs. Laugh every day. Read more. Create more. Worry less.

When I found out baby Charlie is a girl, I was so torn in my emotions. First of all, I’ve always been nervous about having a girl for the ridiculous reasons (I can French braid but that’s where the limits of my primping/preening go, but I did recently learn how to use a curling iron!) and for some real ones (being a woman is fucking hard, yo.)

But I am also beyond excited for her to get her so I can share all the awesome things about being a woman. And being a human. This birthday has me thinking a lot about my own mom, because as you grow a human you really realize this is more of a day for them, than you. I mean, for God’s sake, it’s the most anticipated day for weeks and months and then finally you birth a goddamned HUMAN BEING. What an act of love. I don’t even really know what it means yet and already I know it’s something big.

I am excited to have baby Charlie join this fierce tribe of Palluzzi/Hayford women. To have two strong grandmothers and an amazing aunt that will be SUCH A GOOD ROLE MODEL for this little one. Plus she’s already got a girl cousin to look after her, and of course a boy cousin to watch everyone’s back and stand up for feminism, too.

So as I celebrate this last birthday before I have a new milestone birthday to celebrate, I am scared, but elated, nervous, but excited, about all that’s to come. And I know I have to keep fighting for equality and justice for baby Charlie and for myself, for the women who have come before me, and the one inside me.

a fraction of your smile/or a fragment of your mind

Well, in case you weren’t in the loop, folks I am pregnant. Already it’s been quite the journey and I can’t believe it’s almost half over,┬ábecause it feels like it just began. The first quarter of this year flew by because I was basically a zombie from early February through early April. In the past two weeks or so I’ve really started to feeling ALMOST 100 percent back to myself again.

Pregnancy is a bitch in the beginning, chickadees. I’m surprised by how I didn’t really know this but also by how many people online/in real life are like, “Oh yeah it kicks you in the crotch.” It’s shocking to be so tired all the time and so grossed out by food AND nauseated – turns out morning sickness has nothing to do with the morning. (On the plus side, I have finally learned how to spell nauseated on the first try.)

I definitely wasn’t ready for the way I felt. It was like having mono and the flu. I would come home from work exhausted and eat chicken tenders and french fries and crawl into bed at 8 pm. Weekends were for sleeping in and taking afternoon naps. I had to cancel trips, hangouts, exercise plans, book clubs…the list goes on. As I entered my second trimester I realized how lucky I was that the weddings I have are all in this time period. Now coming home from work and cooking seems tiring, but five weeks ago it was impossible.

It’s shocking to know this is normal, common, and expected. It’s shocking to know that you are not supposed to tell anyone you’re pregnant in the first trimester when you feel so, so shitty. When you are dragging your feet at work and peeing every 20 minutes and can barely remember how to answer emails. Your friends start to wonder what’s up (hopefully wondering if you’re pregnant and not if you hate them) and you can’t be excited or nervous about your future because all you can see is your bed at the end of the day.

This is all to say of course I am happy I am pregnant, but damnnnnnnn folks. Building human life is difficult! I wanted nothing to do with all foods. Cucumbers, chicken, fries, and cold fruit smoothies were my solace. I was quiet (Jeff probably appreciated that!) and the only exercise I got was my slow, slow walk with Luna in the mornings.

The good news is I’m in Week 17 – I’m on the other side of the first trimester and my appetite is back and I can exercise again. I stay up until 10:30! I go out on weekends! I cook! I am now finally excited about what’s to come. I’m starting to plan again. I have weddings to look forward to (baby’s already been to one, we start ’em early around here!) and am looking pregnant which boosts morale (except when I cannot get my clothes on. Oh well.)

Work knows, friends know, the Internet knows. I can talk about it. And, if you’ve been pregnant, I want to hear about it! How was your first trimester? Did it blow? Were you shocked? Did you have food aversions? Did you have to take a break before getting dressed in the morning? Did you cry when your husband/wife/partner offered you a grilled cheese because why on earth would someone eat such a horrible thing?

I have a lot of feelings about feminism as I slide into this pregnancy, and will probably share them here, but for now let me just say that if you have been pregnant you are a fucking warrior and deserve ice cream and snuggles and a raise.

Sorry/not sorry if this becomes a place I talk about pregnancy/babies for a bit.