I remember being in fourth grade and seeing high school girls put there hair up without a brush, and thinking someday I’ll be able to do that and thinking it was the coolest. I was in modern dance class, before someone eventually told me Jen, you can’t dance.

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I remember looking back at my younger cousins and thinking, I can’t believe they’re in high school, where did the time go? They’ve grown so much, and still so young.

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I always wanted to live in an apartment, where I could do whatever I wanted and have my own home. I’ve never gone by a single day without thinking how lucky am I that this is mine and I can do whatever I want with it?

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I remember seeing my mom cooking in the kitchen, and remember thinking one day, I’ll have my own kitchen. I remember the first recipes I used, the first meals I cooked without a recipe. Chocolate Chips Cookies, 3 cups flour, one cup sugar, one cup brown sugar. I remember knowing once I’d memorized the recipe at fourteen, I’d know it always.

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Sometimes, I still have dreams I’m in high school and don’t understand pre-calc, and that I have forgotten my shin guards for final soccer game, and that I can’t seem to find a way home.

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I remember the first day of freshman year, the last day of sophomore year, meeting SS for the first time, starting my relationship with Jeff, thinking I was so old, so grown up, had come so far.

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I look back, knowing I knew nothing, and I still don’t. And I’m still learning. And I’m 26, and still so young and will be despite having a car, having an apartment, leading my life the way I want to lead it. Still looking up to those girls who could put their hair up with two movements of their hands.