we don’t get to be here long

Blinked and it’s another year gone by. Today’s my 31st birthday and I can’t believe summer’s here, I’m 23 weeks pregnant, and that things shook out the way they did in November. This had already been a year of ups and downs, but now more than ever we’ve got something to fight for.

I’ve been thinking about what the legacy I want to leave (and start I suppose) for this baby girl (working title: baby Charlie) and I’m starting to make lists and lists in my head, because that’s what I do.

Be patient. Put the phone down. Balance the ugliness of the world with the beauty. But fight for people because the ugliness is still there. Sing loudly. Give lots of snuggles and hugs. Laugh every day. Read more. Create more. Worry less.

When I found out baby Charlie is a girl, I was so torn in my emotions. First of all, I’ve always been nervous about having a girl for the ridiculous reasons (I can French braid but that’s where the limits of my primping/preening go, but I did recently learn how to use a curling iron!) and for some real ones (being a woman is fucking hard, yo.)

But I am also beyond excited for her to get her so I can share all the awesome things about being a woman. And being a human. This birthday has me thinking a lot about my own mom, because as you grow a human you really realize this is more of a day for them, than you. I mean, for God’s sake, it’s the most anticipated day for weeks and months and then finally you birth a goddamned HUMAN BEING. What an act of love. I don’t even really know what it means yet and already I know it’s something big.

I am excited to have baby Charlie join this fierce tribe of Palluzzi/Hayford women. To have two strong grandmothers and an amazing aunt that will be SUCH A GOOD ROLE MODEL for this little one. Plus she’s already got a girl cousin to look after her, and of course a boy cousin to watch everyone’s back and stand up for feminism, too.

So as I celebrate this last birthday before I have a new milestone birthday to celebrate, I am scared, but elated, nervous, but excited, about all that’s to come. And I know I have to keep fighting for equality and justice for baby Charlie and for myself, for the women who have come before me, and the one inside me.