Assignment 53, from C, with love.
Ages 3-7
1. Be nicer to your mother. Not living with her is the greatest
tragedy of her life. Try to soften the blow.
Age 11
1. Lock the patio door at your hotel in the Bahamas. Trust me.
Age 14/15:
1. Don’t worry so much. Moving is the right decision. Your mother is
sad, now, but this will actually make your relationship stronger.
2. Hurting yourself isn’t the answer.
3. Don’t let your mom talk you into using henna hair dye.
Age 16:
1. Bring condoms to your cousin’s wedding.
2. Do NOT go parking with P.
3. Learn his last name and age, and try not to get so drunk you can’t
remember them later.
4. When A calls you a heartbreaker and says you’re dangerous for him
to get involved with, no matter how full of shit you think he is,
believe him. He’s right.
Age 17:
1. Make out with J in her car. She wants you to.
2. Tell M that she may not share that bed with you and J. You would
like to be alone thankyouverymuch.
3. Stop talking on the phone with S G. He’s not worth it.
4. Enjoy every second you spend with B. This is what happiness feels
like. Recognize it and file for future use.
5. Do not hook up with T and that college party. It’s gonna be awkward
the WHOLE time you’re at UVA.
Age 18:
1. After sleeping with him, don’t assume he’s only interested in you
for sex. He’s not, but he’s going to think that’s all you want if you
don’t make it clear that you’re in love with him. Oh and by the way,
you’re in love with him. You’ll figure it out a little too late.
2. Let B take you to the Prom. Fuck your friends. They’re bitches.
3. Seriously, your two best friends are bitches. Spend more with with
people whose names begin with B.
Age 19:
1. Don’t sleep with R when he’s that drunk.
2. Stop hooking up with boys M likes. She will inexplicably forgive
you, but don’t do it anyway.
3. Don’t do more than make out with Z. And maybe hang out with him a
little bit afterwards, just to be nice.
4. Don’t go to Harrisonburg with K. Or at least don’t drink tequila
while you’re there.
5. GO TO CLASS. STUDY. Even though you feel like shit, something is
going to happen to make you realize how stupid you’re being.
6. Give B a hug on December 30th and tell her how much you love her
and everything her friendship has meant to you.
