Tag Archives: advice

love is all you came here for

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My birthday’s here. 3-0. I’m one of the last to join the club, and so I feel like it’s a threshold I’ve already passed, with a line of spectators waiting on the sidelines for me to finish, screaming encouraging words my way like the end of a race, so excited for me to join them on the other side.

I’ve already started saying I’m 30. I used to always graduate to the next age when my BFF turned older than me in January. Since I started dating Jeff when I was 20, I feel like I’ve spent the last year in his and Nikki’s shadow, watching and learning and practicing for someday when.

But 30 still means something anyways, because doesn’t every year? Every threshold? Every moment. It’s a day like all others, except it’s not, because it is a reminder to ourselves to check up on our integrities and make sure we’re in line. At least, that’s how I feel about it.

I usually try to do this on my birthdays, to share and ask you to learn something, do something, be something, change something. 30’s no different. Some modest advice, and requests, from me to you. Without further ado:

ONE: Sign up to donate blood marrow.

TWO: Find somewhere to donate blood locally.

THREE: Donate your time. This is one of our great equalizers, isn’t it? I’ve been neglecting this one, and I’ve got to get back to it. Alternatively, donate your old shit. You probably don’t need it.

FOUR: Help me save the bees. No bees, no food, big problem. Our bees (and other animals) are on the decline, and we have to do our best to help save them.

FIVE: Educate yourself about inequality. Watch for it. Bear witness to it. Change it. Example: the other day someone mentioned something to me about how I don’t like confetti or balloons because I’m not “that kind of girl.” What? Hello? I don’t really like (or purchase) confetti or balloons because I care about the environment, and find those things wasteful. I’m pretty sure I don’t think that has anything to do with my gender, however.

SIX: Find something every day to be thankful for. Practice gratitude. It can be so hard, but each day honestly is such a gift and we should all try to be a little more appreciative. Try to remember this when you’re cut off at a light or late to work or drop your breakfast or spill your coffee.

SEVEN: Speak up every time you stand. Speak up for those who can’t. Speak up for those who won’t. Speak up and speak out. Speaking your mind is one of the greatest gifts of our free countries. I hate when people say “Let’s not talk politics” because politics encompasses lit’rally everything about who we are as people and community and because it all affects us. We must have civil discourse in order to advance our thinking. Speak to open minds, but keep yours open, too.

EIGHT: There is always someone with more than you. There is always someone with less than you. Jealously and envy beget bad juju. Instead, see SIX and also: every time you see someone with something you want – a) figure out if you want it because you need it; b) think about how you could obtain it; c) think about what obtaining it would really mean d) do something about it or let it go.

NINE: Vote, please. Just do it. Civic duties have come at a cost.

TEN: Pay the fuck attention to food. Please?! Friends, please, please learn about what you’re putting into your body and how you’re fueling your life. Here is a good start.

ELEVEN: Share your tunes with me. I am jamming to new Matt Wertz, Brett Dennen, Beyoncé, and of course Hamilton. What’re you up to?

TWELVE: Open a door for someone else. It doesn’t have to be a real door. Recommend someone for a job. Offer to read someone’s paper/story/resume. Keep your eyes peeled for that perfect chair someone mentioned to you. Pay it forward in little ways that don’t really take much time out of your life. It’ll make everyone’s life just a little easier.

THIRTEEN: Practice your mantra. Here are some good ones, “Other people do that, I don’t do that.”; “Good for her, not for me.”; “Just breathe.”; “I am here.”

FOURTEEN: Try something new. Eat a new food, listen to a new band, drive to work a different way, walk a new path, try a new exercise, learn a new style of clothing or dance or speech. Keep it fresh, keep it fun, but challenge yourself!

FIFTEEN: Put yourself first where you can. The healthier you are, the healthier you can be for, to, and with others.

SIXTEEN: Get outside! Enjoy the outdoor world! Here’s a site for places near LA, but I swear, a quick Google search will help you find a place near you. You’d be surprised what some fresh air can do.

SEVENTEEN: Drink more water.

EIGHTEEN: Taking breaks is OK. Quitting is OK. Crying is OK.

NINETEEN: You know that thing you always want to do but never get to? Today, do it. #TreatYoSelf

TWENTY: Put the phone down. Look into someone’s eyes. Pay people attention. We all are guilty of not doing this more.

TWENTY ONE: Tell people who you love that you love them. 

TWENTY TWO: Get into yoga. Here are some places to get started. (Here, too.)

TWENTY THREE: Be aware of the environment. Shower shorter. Sort your trash and recycling. Use reusable bags. Reuse paper. Turn off the lights. In the words of me (apply as necessary relating to your local struggles) “THERE IS A DROUGHT, PEOPLE.” We get one world, like our one life. Use it wisely. Here’s some help.

TWENTY FOUR: Never be embarrassed of who you are. What the fuck for? I love Hanson. I love bad TV. I love good books, I love love, I sing loud in the car, I speak my mind whenever I want. I am loud most of the time, I like to talk, and I like to tell people stories, and I don’t shy away from any of it. Whatever, this is me. Get used to it.

TWENTY FIVE: Treat others how you’d want strangers to treat your mom.

TWENTY SIX: Find your anthem. Play it loud and proud. Mine jam now is “Sorry” by Beyoncé.

TWENTY SEVEN: Everybody fucks up sometimes. If you do, do your best to fix it, learn from it, and leave it behind. 

TWENTY EIGHT: Just breathe.

TWENTY NINE: Stop those little habits you hate that you do. Pay attention and spend time trying to stop. (For me, I pick at my nails when I’m nervous…I’m working on it.)

THIRTY: Keep on learning. Learning is living.

Mom, thanks for having me 30 years ago. Y’all, thanks for reading this. I love ya to bits.

xo

a beautiful start to a lifelong love letter

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Photos by Mary Costa Photography

A few of my friends have gotten engaged in the past few months, and with that my own wedding has come and gone and I realized that I never told you guys how it went, what we did, etc. Probably because during the wedding I figured I’d sound like a stressed out crazy person, and right after I just wanted to relax and be married.

Now that I have gotten some distance from planning, partying, and basking in the glow of the married life, I wanted to give you a glimpse into my wedding and advice for yours (if you ever choose to get married and are thinking “what have I gotten myself into, read on!)

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* Enjoy your engagement: We were engaged for almost two years. I loved every second of it, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I would say take a month (or two, or in our case, six!) to enjoy being engaged and the excitement of THAT before you even dive into planning. There are basically two options – you have a long engagement and a wedding planning that’s broken into two parts (big stuff like venue, location, date, then smaller stuff closer to the wedding), or you have a short engagement with no break in between. I loved hammering the big stuff out first then chilling for about six months before really getting into the nitty gritty.

*First thing: set your budget (low!): Unless you’re somehow lucky enough to have no budget, you have to do this part first. Set your budget for 25% less than what you think you can afford because it WILL go up. Talk to the players involved (parents, grandparents, etc.) and figure out what you are spending. Everything else comes after this – you can’t look at locations without knowing what you’re going to spend. And here is the truth – you can get married for $500 or $500,000, so nothing is too small – don’t freak yourself out about it too much. Weddings can be very expensive, but they also can be gorgeous on a budget.

* Think about the 3 most important things: Think about the top three things that are important to you, and ask your fiance to do the same. For us, it was food, location, and dance time. That’ll help you identify where to spend the most on your wedding, and where you can cut corners. For example, I wasn’t super into a really fancy wedding dress, I didn’t feel like we needed a video (so we had a friend shoot one, thanks Megan!), but I knew that I wanted a DJ that would play what I wanted to hear and I knew that I wanted to get married outside. Figure out what these things are from the beginning and it’ll make planning a breeze.

*Identify your “events” surrounding the wedding: Nowadays people live all over and if you’re like me, you probably don’t have tons of money to just fly willy nilly all over the country (you’re saving for a  wedding, for goodness sake!) So figure out your expectations around the wedding first. Do you need t00o have a bachelorette or bachelor party with ALL wedding party present? Do you want a shower? Do you want to go dress shopping with your family? Do you want a big rehearsal dinner? Do you want a brunch the next day? Do you want to go straight on your honeymoon? Think about these things so you can work within your budget and your friends budgets – be respectful of your bridal party’s time, too! We had a small shower in Chicago with a rolled in bach dinner, and I had a bach weekend with my ladies in LA, which was all perfect!

* DIYing: If you’re DIY-ing everything, spread out the tasks so that each friend is doing one small thing. This helped us immensely at our wedding – Traci made our seating chart, Ellen did the table numbers, Corelyn and Melissa did the burlap/lace table clothes, Kylah was in charge of day-of flowers, and we all pitched in to make the bouquets and boutonnieres (well most my dad, but that’s ok). Plus, it was amazing to see all the crafts come together the day of – really special and humbling to see all the work my friends put in to the wedding!

* Remember it’s your wedding: Don’t give into wedding hype if you’re not into certain things (themes, wedding colors, favors, etc.) We had white linen at the wedding. We didn’t have a champagne toast. We didn’t do favors or seating cards. And it was all fine – people toasted with whatever they were drinking, we had a seating chart, and nobody even noticed. If you have something you care about, awesome. But if you’re not that into it, chances are you don’t need the “extras.” You also want the wedding to be personal to you – so remember that if you do want wedding colors and favors, and hand-written seating cards then you should have those things. See “think about the 3 most important things.”

* Things will go wrong – but it’s ok!: Things inevitably will go wrong, but they will be minor – as long as you let them be. We had a couple mishaps (Lauren in fact was the one who reminded me she forgot her bridesmaid dress) but it was fine. She got another dress. She still made the rehearsal dinner. If you just realize the day will be amazing no matter what, then mishaps will surely be breezed over.

I definitely have more advice specific and general, but this is getting long, so I’ll stop here. I will say this – email me or call me (or come over, let’s be real) and we can talk more. Let me know if you need helping planning your wedding (several of you engaged ladies know who you are who I’ve been harassing to give me assignments) and let me know if you have questions. I have a killer spreadsheet. Corelyn (for those of you who know her) was a great resource, too. Just remember this – your wedding is a start to your marriage. It’s a celebration of all that’s happened and all yet to come. It’s a day to remember for certain, and it will be beautiful.

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